I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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