I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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