probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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