when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
