dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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