my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And then my night got REAL pukey
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
