My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
