11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
