I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
