Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize