Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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