my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize