I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
