Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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