the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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