I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
