I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
