her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
