Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
