Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
