Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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