i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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