I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
