this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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