There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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