Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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