I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
