You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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