Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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