Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
