The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
