I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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