yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
