once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize