this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
