I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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