Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
