Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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