so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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