Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
