im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
