He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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