As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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