the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
