i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
