I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Randomize
