There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
