I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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