my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im holly from the hills drunk
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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