There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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