I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
