The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
