I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
