Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
