even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
