Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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