There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
